The Supernatural Suvival Manual
by shadowsanddreams
Summary: How would you survive Supernatural if you weren't a Winchester? Normally the answer would be, you wouldn't! But now the rest of humanity can now rest in peace knowing that they too can survive an episode or episodes of Supernatural without bodily harm!
1. The Basics

I wish I owned the Winchesters or the show, but I own nothing... Except for maybe the first four seasons of Supernatural on DVD… that is all. Enjoy!

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**Supernatural Survival Manual **

By ShadowsandDreams

-Salt is the best condiment EVER.

-There is no such thing as unicorns.

-Demons lie, and demon bitches should be shanked at the first opportunity that presents itself. (yeah Sam!)

-You should be afraid of the dark, the people with oddly colored eyes and overly emotional cupids.

-No matter what your brother says, reading up on dead languages will save your asses (Latin 101 Required)

-Angels are pricks, so study up on your angelic sigils (drawn in blood of course!)

-Like Dorthy, kill all the witches in your area but beware hex bags and normal looking subdivisions.

-Santa is real and if you see him, steak him through the heart with your Christmas tree. (will also work on Tricksters)

-Beware the puppy eyes, even Lucifer has realized their power over others.

-Deal with demons, don't make a deal with one.

-Gofer Dust and Devils shoestring is useful against hell hounds. If you happen to get yourself into this situation… nice job dumb ass! You should have read the manual first!

-If your last name is not Winchester you should avoid pissing off one or more of the following… Lucifer, Michael, Gabriel, the host of heaven in general, Lilith, Azazel, and Yorkies.

-Ghostfacers are dorks and should never be taken seriously, unless there is no other option.

-Garlic, silver, sunlight and crosses don't work on vampires. A stake and axe however work nicely.

-If it seems too good to be true, it's because it is and demons or reapers (or both) were involved.

-Metallica, Blue Oyster Cult and other such musicians will become your therapy in time.

-Check, double check and seal all exits when making a devils trap and make sure you have enough rounds when it does fail.

-Rock salt rounds: Good for getting rid of ghosts but stings like hell when YOU get shot.

-It's official, planes crash and clowns kill.

-Sacred oil, useful for stir-fry's, baths and trapping vengeful angels.

-Grave digging and all around hunting and slaying is a great way to burn calories and survive a zombie attack.

-Aliases are a must, famous and obscure references are perfectly acceptable.

-We need YOU to be a part of Team Choice! The third option in the Apocalypse and War between Heaven and Hell.

-Manborgs with laser eyes, cheesey Dracula and the Wolfman are really just ornery Shapeshifters. They are not bullet proof.

-Don't underestimate the determination or creepy devotion of a rabid fan girl.

-Blonde's are either bitch'n or demon bitches, there is no middle ground.

-Just because you've never heard of it, doesn't mean it won't kill you.

-Driver chooses the music and shot gun shuts his pie hole.

-LARP-ing is Live Action Role Play.

-Bobby is always right, idjit.

-If one of you develops super powers, assume it's not natural and get ready for things to get worse (ie Hells gates open or the end of the world)

-Normal will no longer apply to you or anything you do from here on out.

-If everything seems to be going great, it's probably because your mind is trapped somewhere outside of reality.

-Hunters do not play well with others or each other.

-If you have a bad memory when it comes to past events don't worry, they'll come back to haunt you soon enough.

-If You see God, tell him the Winchesters need to talk to him asap!

-It can always get worse.

-Life is a temporary state, sometimes death is too.

-Don't bet against a prophet, they already know they're right, you just have to wait longer to realize it.

Your basic arsenal should include but is not limited to…

-Rosary

-Reading material (bible, dad's journal, exorcisms for dummies, sigil diagrams, demon traps, ext. )

-Silver (bullet or raw form)

-Stakes

-assorted knives & daggers

-Sawed off shotgun

-standard shotgun

-The Colt and/or handguns

-Rock salt & holy water

-gasoline & matches

-cassette tapes

-laptop

-sacred oil

-flashlights

-assortment of fake badges


	2. Things to keep in Mind

I wish I owned the Winchesters or the show, but I own nothing but the first four seasons of Supernatural on DVD… that is all. Enjoy!

* * *

**Supernatural Survival Manual **

By ShadowsandDreams

-Fangirls have the right of way, move or be trampled…

-Walls are easily broken

-Pay Attention! If one of your group is acting strangely (Sam) you might want to do something, like question their sudden change in music or forgetting how to drive (Yeah Dean!). Check for possession, shape shifters, body switching and moments of stupidity…

-If you don't have any leads or are bored of your current hunt… just go to the Roadhouse! (Not the one with the Texans… although if you need more ammo or firepower you might want to go there too…)

-Man may have been created equal, not so for Demons… trap the stupid ones first then take on the smart ones that saw the devils trap you set under the rug.

-If you become confused while on a hunt ask a crazy person, they generally know what's going on in the psych ward.

-No Chick-flick moments!

-Horsemen like to accessorize, steal their shiney's and their cars while you're at it. Not only will you save the town, but you're riding in a bitch'n new car! It's a win/win situation if you survive.

-It's not alcoholism if you barely made it out alive, it's therapy in a can, bottle or keg.

-Know where all the tux rental places are in the area, you may need to pick one up on your way to a crime scene.

-Lying through your teeth is one thing, adapting your story as they tell theirs is just plain awesome!

-Ignore your mother and go get that anti-demon tattoo you're been wanting for so long.

-If small children are acting strangely, you might need to do one of three things…

a) Burn them, they are probably a changeling and not actually human.

b) Toss holy water on them or skip right to the latin or stab them with the Knife mentioned previously in this text.

c) Ask if they are related to the Winchesters, because they might be hunting something you were unaware of.

-You don't need a Delorean to time travel, you just need angelic mojo.

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If you find yourself in a battle of wits here are a few recommended responses from our Winchester boys…

Scenario1

O.P- "Go to Hell!"

Dean Response- "Been there done that"

Sam Response- "I got a better idea, why don't I bring hell and all its wonders HERE? (seriously Sam, opening Hell's gates, unleashing a legion of demons into our world… and their boss a little while later… It can't possibly get any worse … Or CAN IT??? )

Scenario 2

O.P- "Asshole!"

Dean Response- "Bitch!"

Sammy Response- "Jerk!"

Scenario 3

O.P- "You think you're funny?"

Dean Response- "I think I'm adorable."

Shadow- I do too! J

Sam- *eye roll*

Scenario 4

Shadow- "Btw… Dean lost the car…"

Sam- "You What?!"

Dean's Defense- "He full on Obiwaned me! It's mind control man!

Scenario 5

(instert generic insult)

Sam- "At least I'm not afraid of flying!"

Dean- "Planes crash Sam!"

Sam's retort- "And apparently clowns kill!"

Scenario 6

(made especially for drunken revelry)

(insert anything said by anyone…)

Sam- "You're bossy"

Dean- "What?"

Sammy- "You're bossy… and short! (laughs)

(What Dean and everyone is thinking)- "Are you drunk?"

Sam- "Yeah! So? …stupid.

Shadow- *hick* You tell'm Sammy! *hick*


End file.
